The Big Bang

       My favorite astrologer, Rob Brekzsny, (www.freewillastrology.com) summed up my past six months with last week's astrology column for my sign VIRGO:

"Your relationship with time seems to be one of your biggest problems. There's never enough of it. You're always fighting against the limitation it imposes. It frustrates you and even hurts you. But let me ask you this: Can you imagine yourself cultivating a more friendly and cunning relationship with time? Are you able to visualize the prospect of you and time becoming more like allies than adversaries? How would it feel to regard time as a loving taskmaster that compels you to realize you can't do everything and must therefore focus only on your brightest dreams and truest pleasures? This is a perfect moment, astrologically speaking for you to attempt this magic."

    I am not surprised about this "mini-lesson" on time for myself personally as I am about to actually FINALLY get around to pulling out my wisdom teeth this Friday morning with a top NJ oral surgeon. I was told at the tender age of nineteen to have them removed, and well, it is ten years plus later. :) It is not so much because of the pain factor that really prevented me; in actuality, I just didn't have the time. To imagine myself sitting around lazily around the house, mouth stuffed up in gauze watching DAYS OF OUR LIVES episodes seemed like a form of torture far worse than the surgery itself. Sure I noticed that my wisdom teeth were peeking through the gums, causing me painful irritations throughout the years, a gnawing reminder of what I kept putting off. The minor pain I was suffering became routine, expected, tolerable, if only to avoid the inevitable GREATER pain of actually sitting still for maybe possibly a week. I came close a few times even in doing the surgery, but something would always come up, and well, it was put off.

    Why do I mention this story besides to mention perhaps that you may not reach me directly come Friday morning through early next week? I mention it because I see a similar parallel in the story of many of my friends who I meet in my practice. Sure, they know their body is giving them signs of stress and malfunction. Sure, there are some minor issues in terms of their sexuality or relationship at home. Maybe they've even suffered great pains for a long period of time. However, the inevitable removal of what is causing the pain to begin with, or the realization that one's own self is important enough to "make the time" to deal with it becomes a back burner priority to often a less important priority. One delays one's own recovery by simply allowing fear or uncomfortableness to drive in the driver's seat of their life while browsing the scenery of life from the passenger window. Taking this to Sacred Sensuality, one can argue that unless you make the time to focus on your body, your energy, your wellness, your partner, your regimen, your commitment to continuously grow and learn, one may never actually completely rid themselves of the symptoms of ill-health or despair.

    The other thing I want to mention is REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. Recently I met someone who thought that all of the sacred ARTS lessons could be taught in 90 minutes. Certainly this is not realistic as some of these ceremonies and practices took YEARS to master. Sure you can get a basic understanding of every lesson, but unless you MAKE THE TIME at home in a multitude of different ways in your daily life, the likelihood you'll master anything besides your disappointment will be inevitable. One must MAKE THE TIME in their own life to practice, to learn, to reflect, to ask questions and to keep moving forward. Perhaps the rest of the world is used to a 90 minute meeting, but your sexuality or relationships should NOT be held to the same requirements. LOVE and SEX are one of the few UNREGULATED pleasures we still have in this world: why would we desire to impose demands or restrictions to that process when we have EVERYTHING else in life we can do that under? Why not allow us to indulge longer, deeper and continuously in a practice that fills our entire being, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, physically and sexually?

    Perhaps we are afraid to actually apply that thinking pattern towards our sexuality because then we would be forced to live other areas of our life the same way; we would demand greater pleasures from our work, our families, or partners, our hobbies. We can actually become JOYFUL ADDICTS because we live our lives so consciously and lovingly, that anything else becomes a road block to a major freeway of self-love and ecstasy. We would not only be forced to demand more of ourselves but from others who are in our lives, thus creating perhaps an entire earthquake of catastrophic euphoria, our entire being must require an injection to stop the pleasure from overtly affecting nearly every person in our path! :) 

    I became conscious more of how time affected MY life personally this past year when in November, my father passed away at the tender age of only 53. Affected by substance abuse, his retirement as a corrections officer in upstate NY was cut short because he needed to tend to his health. My father spent the last year of his "imposed" retirement finally tending to his health. He grumbled and complained many of his working years about his "Department of Corruptions" work environment, and complained and grumbled when he was away from it. (His famous line: "Who knew hospitals could be just as dangerous as a prison?") The ability for my father to simply sit still and focus on what was the ORIGINAL cause of PAIN and DISTRESS that forced him to drink versus take care of himself never occurred. He simply filled up his days with lawn mowing, gardening, cooking, the computer, the telephone, reading, and well, drinking. He was a most passionate father, the more emotionally available of my parents, but yet, he could not love himself the way he loved everyone else. His restlessness and inability to "make time and go through the minor pain versus the longer one" never really occurred. Should I be so surprised that his daughter has waited this long for her wisdom teeth to be removed?

    The oral surgeon noted that a painful cavity has grown on one wisdom tooth which explains my continuous mouth pain all of this time. There is no way of avoiding going through the unknown or else I risk losing some possible teeth. (Wink) In facing my fear, I decided this week to be DARING. I decided to cut my hair with bangs and took myself out to lunch at a great Italian eatery in Princeton, NJ called CARMILLO'S CAFÉ (excellent place BTW) Sitting there with a book over lunch in the middle of the week was the GUILTIEST thing I've done for myself in years. I think I was shaking when going to the car. Am I playing hooky? Shouldn't I be returning a phone call, doing a session, doing laundry, tending to something here?

    It was my own "mini-practice" for what I'll finally do for myself starting FRIDAY morning. I will simply sit STILL for the next 4-5 days and as the pain subsides a bit each day, perhaps a new version of me will appear: the one who faced a small pain for some relief. I will miss the buzzing busyness of the phones ringing, the music playing, the dogs needing walking, the days whizzing by. MAYBE I'll even have time to get back to my fiction writing again. I mean look: it only took me twenty minutes to write you this email.........and the phones were relatively quiet during that time and I'm doing ok. :)